S3, Account 6: Tinashe
Words can’t express the caustic regret I feel when I look into the eyes of my baby girl, and see what were once bright brown pools of light, look back at me dully with hopelessness, loss and dejection. I could have handled this better. I should have put Esme first. I should have listened to my wife.
I could have compromised. Once Esme arrived there was no going back, but I ignored the resentment I could see darkening Danai’s expressions every time she looked at me. In all honesty, I didn’t care. I’d got what I wanted, and I expected her to fall in line and perform her role. If I had been more attentive, I could have provided the atmosphere and support that could have stopped Danai feeling that Esme was a burden. But I had my wife, I had my kid, and as far as I was concerned, all that was left for me to do was provide. So that’s where I put my attention — progressing up the career ladder and bringing the bacon home.
In the early days, I would come home and Danai would be sat on the floor, the house untidy around her, staring blankly at Esme wailing in her rocking basket. Esme would be screeching at dog-pitch levels, and Danai would just stare at her — tired, defeated and emotionless, as if she was a foreign creature. If I’m honest, those occasions sometimes scared me, and I would step over Danai to lift Esme up and calm her down, which usually happened quickly once she smelt/sensed me. But more often than not, I stepped over Danai, yelled at her for not tidying the house before I came home and for not calming Esme, went to our room and slammed the door shut to block out Esme’s cries. I work long hours and I was tired. I didn’t appreciate coming home to loud chaos. I reflect back on those instances now with bitterness and regret at my selfishness. I was a fool. I was losing everything I had worked so hard to get. I placed my needs, my ambitions, my wants, above what was best for us as a couple and a family, and now my child is from a broken home.
I hated Danai after she left, scorned her publicly on every occasion I could in front of friends who knew us, family, anyone. I weaponised her leaving and framed myself and my daughter as the innocent victims, berating any mother who could leave her child as a despicable ilk of person. And it didn’t bring me the peace and vindication I thought it would. That infuriated me even more, but the fact of the matter is I now had a 5 year old I had to figure out how to look after, whilst keeping my job, and my world blew apart. In having to do so, it was the first time I realised the inconvenience of parenthood. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my heart…I just never thought I’d be the one to do the heavy-lifting when it came to raising her.
I’m not quite sure how to do this. To prove to my baby girl that it was me, not her, who destroyed everything.
Originally posted: August 29, 2021