S3, Account 3: Tinashe
I’m not sure what she thinks this is. Who she thinks she is. What she thinks I married her for. All I ever get is moodiness and resentful silence these days. I thought we were on the same page. I told her it would be best for us to have a child as soon as possible as you never know how easy it might be to do so the longer we wait. I’m not sure what the problem is. She wanted motherhood. We would never have been together if she hadn’t. But now it’s as if I forced her to do something she didn’t want in the first place, and I hate the way she manipulates the situation like that.
My wife is an intelligent, ambitious and high-achieving woman. It’s one of the things that drew me to her. Her self-assurance, her confidence and her ability to support me through some of the toughest situations of my life with such ease, wisdom and clarity. I’m not telling her to let go of any of that, I’m just trying to get her to understand that in life there are seasons. And right now our family, our daughter needs to be the focus. When you have a child, you have to scale back your dreams, adapt, and prioritise nurturing that child. That is the sacrifice a mother has to make. I have given her everything she ever wanted; an intelligent, successful and providing partner, a child, a roof over our heads, a relatively affluent lifestyle…I’m not sure what else I can do. I do know that I don’t deserve her ungratefulness and complaints about not being able to fulfil some of her goals before having Esme. Some people can’t even have children, but the existence of Esme is a problem?! That blows my mind.
I barely get a smile or a tender touch these days, and I’m just thinking realistically, how long does she expect me to be starved of these things? If I was a lesser man, I would already have attended to those needs elsewhere. But I love my family and I would never unnecessarily jeopardise the future I have dreamt of with them. I think this is just a phase (albeit it has been going on for 5 years now), but I truly believe she will eventually come round to how right it was to have Esme when we did. I mean it’s not like I forced her, I would never do that. I just thought she would come round to my way of thinking and understand how much sense it made. We should even be on our second child by now, but I daren’t bring that up.
She says I don’t support her, that she’s left to bring up Esme by herself, and truly that amazes me. What does she think I’m doing when I go out to work? I’m providing security and stability for her and Esme. Changing nappies, comforting Esme in the night, and having her alone for a few hours when she was a baby, I didn’t really feel that was a man’s role in the house, and besides I wasn’t comfortable with that. Esme is older now and less dependent on us and I love this part. I love our daddy-daughter weekends where we spend quality time together doing silly things like me painting her nails, and playing with her dolls. I don’t have much time to interact with her during the week due to the long tiring hours I work, but when we have our special weekends about twice a month, I give her my all. She is the jewel of my heart. I love that little girl so much. She is my twin (to the irritation of her mother I suspect), and everything I do is to provide her with the world. I thought the love I had for my wife was depthless, but the love I have for Esme is intergalactical. This is why I can’t understand where my wife is coming from. How could you look at this beautiful, brown, joyful firework, and think your career goals, your wants, your plans matter more than her happiness and joy?
Originally posted: May. 29, 2021