S3, Account 2: Felicia
That poor child. I understand that motherhood can be a shock to the system, I don’t judge Danai for that, but it’s been 5 years. Esme needs more than scraps of attention. I know Danai loves her, there’s no doubt in my mind, but she can be very aloof in her expression of it and I can see how it’s affecting Esme. She’s round here virtually every day to play with Xavier and my other kids, and it breaks my heart how much her system has already programmed her to escape her home whenever she can. She is deeply lonely in that place, and that is why whenever she knocks on my door, even if it is just as I am about to feed my husband or change his dressings, I let her in. Because even in this house surrounded in slow unwinding grief - joy, gratefulness and love still abound.
My kids know what is going on with their father, that he is dying of cancer. But Eric and I sat them down before things became a lot worse and told them, that no matter how things progressed, we must all promise to prioritise, joy, love and appreciation of one another. There may be times they see us cry, times when they want to cry, scream, or shout and we must give space and have grace in those moments. But when all is said and done, we must come back to joy; the memories that delight us, the love that binds us, the kindness that heals us. Cancer has taught us that life is short, but it is not any less special, worthy or divine. We have been blessed to have each other, to have had the years we’ve had with Eric; his many treatments, remissions, and recoveries, and now that that time is coming to an end, we are going to send him off well.
This is why Tinashe and Danai’s approach in their care for Esme upsets me. Eric didn’t always have cancer, but one day he did and our family’s life changed. What if the same happened to either of them? Who would Esme have? Who could she rely on? The mother whose resentment for her existence is barely concealed, or the father who puts on his parenting cloak when he feels like it? I am not a meddler and I would never presume to say these things to either of them, it’s not my business. So I do what I can do, and let Esme always know she always has a safe space to come to. If I started saying things, Danai might prevent Esme from coming round again, and God forbid my actions condemn that beautiful little girl to extended periods of loneliness, isolation and sadness.
The day I realised Danai was paying Leeta for doing Esme’s hair, something broke inside me. A mother doing her daughter’s hair is one of the most bond-building exercises between them. To see that Danai could so easily pass that onto Leeta made me feel a little bit angry. The only thing that prevented it from bursting out, was the fact that I know Leeta adores Esme and Esme her back. And I love hearing the chuckles of laughter and delight from Leeta & Mae’s room as Leeta uses Esme’s crown as her canvas. And my oh my does she make that child look like the jewel she is.
Originally posted: April 29, 2021