S1, Account 5: Dotun
This is inappropriate, but I don’t think it’s wrong. I love her and she loves me, and I think that’s enough. I think. Commitment would be great too, but she says she can’t leave her husband while her father-in-law is still alive and unwell. It would destroy him as a human being. It’s one of the things I like and dislike about her; the fact that she is naive. He is going to be broken no matter when he finds out. But hopefully he finds out in the most humane way possible.
I have nothing against him. In fact I deeply admire Roy. In all my years of working with clients and their families, few times have I ever seen a family rally around a sick loved one like this. Akil is loved to infinity and beyond. I see it in the way his sons speak to him even though he can’t respond and no-one knows for sure anymore if he can even understand. I’ve seen photo albums of when the boys were younger and their mother was still alive, and although there is clearly poverty, even louder is the joy gleaming from all their expressions; pure, unadulterated joy and love. That’s what I want for my family, when I eventually have one.
I want a family with her, this tall, mighty, intelligent, nurturing, impetuous and spontaneous woman. That was what drew me to her. The way she cares for Akil it’s as if she’s looking after her own child. The love is so tangible it’s so deep. And despite the burden of this, she was still always laughing, telling me jokes, being cheeky, asking me questions no one has ever cared to ask me before…and I tripped, stumbled and fell in love. Long before she even realised it. Perhaps the first month. We only started to acknowledge our attraction 1 year into me caring for Akil. It’s been 2 years now. It’s been a roller-coaster with her. Sometimes I stand by the door at the time I know Roy is about to come in, chin up, chest out, and I want to tell him to his face “you had your chance, you dropped the ball, but I picked her up and carried her like she deserves”, but every time I see him enter, I see the increasing ridges of sadness and despair around his eyes, and I know that man-to-man, I could never do that to him. He deserves more respect than that. He is not a bum, he is not neglectful (except in the case of her and not abusively so), he is a provider, he is a carer, and he is a fellow black man. Far be it from me to deliver with a sledgehammer, what should be delivered with needle & thread intricately weaving to prevent unnecessary or irredeemable tears. That is not my job.
One time she caught me. She asked me what I was doing and in a moment of frustration and jealousy, I told her. She started screaming. I had never seen her like this. She cursed me and said “How dare you even think of doing such a thing?! I love him too!”. Hearing those words swept the breath from my soul and I was stunned. She just looked at me like she’d said nothing wrong. She never apologised for it. Truth is, she always did tell me that she would always love him, but somehow hearing it screamed at me with such rage, indignation and alarm, made that sink in the way it should have before. I can’t lose her. And if I can’t lose her, I have to accept that no matter how much it burns, I will never be enough to eradicate the ghost of Roy.
I think that’s when the old man clocked it. When he heard her screaming. They say he probably can’t understand what’s going on, but I’ve worked with enough clients now to know their tells. Akil may not be able to speak, but I believe his understanding is as clear as mine or anyone’s. I see it in the way he sometimes looks at me with a malevolence and hatred that would make an ordinary person shrink in alarm and worry, but I am a carer and have been for years. I’m used to the eruption of complex emotions. I am an excellent carer and regardless of the situation, I still carry out my role with professionalism and kindness. Besides, knowing what I know about how Akil has lived his life, listening to him to talk about his family before he lost his speech, I could never disrespect his physical body like that. He is what I want to be; a father, a leader, a god in the eyes of those who love him. He is my inspiration. I can’t fault him for how he feels, but neither can I sacrifice my life, my love on the altar of the institution of marriage. Some aren’t meant to last forever, and some people are right for you at a particular time, and after that…it’s time to move on and let them be happy with someone else.
So honestly I have no hard feelings towards Roy or Akil. I respect them as men. They inspire me.
But I love her more.
Originally posted: June 29, 2020