Who is Despair?

Despair is that familiar nemesis I fight with almost accustomed to regularity.

Nearly every day I wonder “Why am I here?”, “What do I really have to offer?”, “Why can’t I just give up?”

A perpetual battle between the tangible and the intangible.

Some days I win well, and it gains no ground, in fact, it retreats and there’s peace.

Yet…somewhere in my mind, in my chest, or. elsewhere, it feels like it’s still there.

Lurking,

Clinging like a shadow,

Looking for a crack,

Even the smallest of cracks will do,

As an in,

To break through, overwhelm. and defeat me.

So I can never not be on my guard.

I am never quite wholly free of it.

I have to be aware of it, and reinforce my defences accordingly.

Do regular sweeps for emerging holes or crack.

Anything that it might find in it’s daily surveillance of me, and use as an in to slip in, to ambush and to terrorise.

And it’s exhausting, it’s tiring doing this every day.

The endless cycle of engaging with a formidable and perpetual enemy.

Rebuilding the walls ravaged by the constant battles.

But it has to be done.

To survive.

To live.

To gain ground.

And the walls must be built with the right materials.

Shoddy workmanship will end in great loss.

Their weaknesses must e caught fast and mended twice as fast.

Because if despair is my shadow, then as soon as I know, it knows.

And that is why this particular warfare is one of the hardest.

Because I am my saviour and my enemy.

I am fighting myself.

My despair has a name, and it is mine.

First published: February 7th 2015