S4, Account 6: Pascal
Noelle is pregnant. I can’t believe it. We were always so very careful. I know that no birth control is 100%, but I’m still surprised. I’m going to be a father! I think. I don’t understand what’s going on. When I asked Noelle what we were going to do, how to tell her parents it is mine, she gave me a chilling look and said “What makes you think it is yours?”. Honestly it was like my heart became glass with a bullet ricocheting around it, explosively shattering it into thousands of tiny shards re-stabbing me in their descent. I couldn’t speak, I could only gape, and Noelle walked away.
I was so delighted when Noelle suggested we start seeing each other again. I love her. I am in love with her, have been for years, and I never cared how patently obvious that was to everyone at church and who knew us. I didn’t even care that sometimes I would catch her father giving me distinct looks of horror and disapproval, watching me as I fawned over her. I didn’t care. She is the one I want. Just her.
Noelle and I had dated before, but this time was different, this was like she was giving me all of her. We had broken up before because she said she didn’t want to get married — I wanted to marry her. When I asked her why, she explained, and although I understood it, I tried to let her know that I am not her father, and I am not her uncle. I don’t require subservience, imbalanced sacrifice or a marriage in appearance only — I am committed to the full experience of being with her. She was not convinced however and swiftly became irritated with my position and broke it off. I knew that I wasn’t the problem however. I knew that she still cared about me, it was just this inflexible stance that she had on marriage. This time round however, she let me talk about all my marriage dreams with her — see I hadn’t just been walking around fawning after her, I’d been making practical plans, because I was waiting for the day I could show what I had been saying wasn’t just words, there was a strategy and we could make it work.
It was truly the sweetest time. So sweet in fact that a few times we forgot ourselves and didn’t use protection. That never concerned me however because as far as I knew, Noelle was always on the pill. Everything was going so well, and then she called me one day and said words I will never forget — “Pascal, you know I care about you a lot, but we need to be honest with each other. This just isn’t going to work. It’s over”. I knew better than to argue with her, when Noelle’s mind is made up, it’s made up. I just started crying. I cried for days, for weeks.
I couldn’t attend church for a while because I just couldn’t bear seeing Noelle there, so it was a few months before I went back, and imagine my utter shock, surprise and growing delight to see her visibly pregnant. I almost passed out. I knew better than to approach her then, so I waited till service was over and asked her if I could speak to her in private in the car park. That’s when she said what she said.
The thing is…I know Noelle. I know Noelle. She thinks she never betrays an emotion, never shows anything other than what she wants people to see, but I have been with her in her worst and greatest moments. So now, with a bit of calm and clarity, I know for a fact that that child is mine. Noelle is not the kind of person to sleep around, furthermore if she was, she’d be extremely careful (the same way we had been the first time we dated). Now the stabbing pain and hurt I felt in the car park, is being replaced with anger as I come to realise what she has done.
How could she? How could she use me like that? To get what she wanted with no strings attached. Does she think that I am an idiot?! I love Noelle, but she has gone a step too far. She never let me fight for her, but I sure as hell will fight for the life she conspired to conceive with me without my permission. That child deserves better.
Originally posted: March 29, 2022