S4, Account 4: Seraphin

I’m so proud of Noelle. She is the daughter I always hoped to have and I feel blessed that my sacrifices were not in vain. It was so hard for me to give up being a pilot. No-one knew just how hard because I put on a calm face and outwardly accepted it was for the best, but when I was alone, O how I wept and wailed in anger and sorrow. I was distraught. It took me a long time to get over giving it up. I know Mamadou and I had discussed starting a family, but quite frankly I thought we’d wait some years before doing so. Just so I could enjoy the culmination of my achievements. So it was somewhat of a shock to me, when him, my father, my mother, and Claude at a family meeting shortly after we were married, indicated that it was time to give up those dreams.

I was furious with Claude. She is my closest sibling, the one I tell mostly all things to, and I felt blindsided, even from her. Claude was never educated to my level and I know there was a part of her that felt bitter about being the eldest sibling and having to take care of the rest of us, which in turn meant we got opportunities she didn’t. However Claude really never projected that onto me. My other siblings, yes, with self-righteous indignation, but she left me out of that. That’s why we grew so close and are the closest out of our siblings. So imagine my surprise when she joined forces with the rest of them. Like I said, at the time I didn’t reveal too much outwardly, but later I angrily confronted her. I said a lot of terrible words which left her in tears. Through those tears however, she told me she was not trying to spite me, she genuinely wanted me to have it all — the education, the husband, the children, and that she genuinely thought this was the only way it was possible. When I calmed down a bit, I could see her point. The world was not what it is now — even the most qualified women still found it hard to progress in male-dominated spaces (I certainly would as a pilot), and potential was often capped. So I would be dealing with that no doubt, but also trying to keep a husband happy, and bring up children. I could see the logic in what she said.

I still was not entirely persuaded, and because I wasn’t, I spent the first 2 years of our marriage secretly on birth control pills. No-one not even Claude ever knew. I thought that after a year or two of no children, this might allow me the adequate gap to convince my husband that I should go back to piloting whilst we try for a child. I mentioned it to him one day, and he looked at me earnestly with so much tenderness in his eyes, told me I was worrying too much and that it would happen, and that he’d still love me even if we didn’t have children so let’s not give up yet. I swear that almost broke me. After that, I stopped with the birth control pills, we kept trying, and a few years later, the light of my life was born — Noelle.

I am not angry with Noelle for her stubbornness and aversion to looking for a husband now, but I am frustrated. I wonder how she cannot see that sacrificing my career was the best decision I ever made — I got her out of it, and I wouldn’t change that for the world. She’s enjoyed her success and a career now for more years than I had the chance to, so I don’t understand the delay. I have spoken to her about how long we had to try for her (I left out the pills part of course), but not only does she seem to think she is in control of her biological clock, she has also mentioned an idea that terrifies me (she must be joking) that she doesn’t even need a husband for a child. I nearly fell down, and I asked her if she wanted to kill me, if she wanted me in the same boat as Valentina’s mum. She looked me dead in the eye and said with incredible casualness, that it would be different as she would not be pining after the father and has the resources to look after a child by herself.

Well, naturally I had to lie down for the rest of that day because what on earth? I just pray to God that she tells me what she said was a prank for Tik Tok later on, because I don’t come from a family where children do not know their ancestors and neither does her father. I reject that in the mighty name of Jesus!

Originally posted: January 29, 2022