S1, Account 3: Khadija
If he knew, it would kill him. I am despicable, I am the worst…I am in love with two men.
I didn’t go looking for it, I didn’t think I was missing anything, I would never have expected this of myself…it just happened.
Roy is an amazing husband. We met shortly after both graduating from university. I was out bowling with my friends, and he was there too with a group of his friends. We all just naturally gravitated towards each other, and before I knew it, I was throwing my head back in relentless laughter at this 6ft, pecan-coloured, black-eyed, rogue who kept stealing my chips. For context, I’m usually the friend that stands off to the side and watches all my friends being spoken to. Being 6ft tall is great if you’re a model, but in real life, it intimidated most of the men I came into contact with. But Roy didn’t even bat an eyelid when I stood up to talk to him and he realised we met eye-to-eye. In fact he smiled the biggest grin I’ve ever seen in my life, with a little twinkle in his eye and said “Yo, my size”. It was ridiculous and it was perfect. As they say, the rest was history and we were married 5 years later.
Although Roy is great, the last few years have been hard on him. The constant setbacks at work, and then his father becoming ill. Roy loves his father, sometimes I wonder if he loves him more than me(!), but I love that about him. His empathy, his devotion, his determination to do good when he can, and care for the people he loves. Without question I am spoiled. There is nothing I want that Roy won’t get, and so good job I’m not the frivolous type. Roy does not skimp on affection, spending time with me or romancing me, he is perfect. And maybe, maybe, that’s why I’ve found myself in this situation I’m in. Because I am a bit rougher than Roy, I am not as patient, not always as understanding, and I can be selfish. That uncertainty, that conflict of internal character lends itself to unpredictability and excitement, and Roy is the opposite of that. These may sound like excuses, but they’re not. I’m just trying to work out why I’ve ended up here.
Lately Roy has become a shadow of himself. The continuing bullshit of his job, plus his father’s fast deteriorating health has left a shadow of the man I once knew. Roy used to laugh so much, all the time, and make me laugh…now when he is home he is more like a zombie robotically attending to the needs of his father, and with his mind on a far away planet whenever his father is resting and it’s just the two of us trying to have quality time. He has stopped doing the things he used to love, like meeting with his friends to play football on the weekend, even going out with them at all, playing the piano (which he is outstanding at), and learning new tunes to surprise me with. He has lost his love of life. I don’t want this to sound like an indictment because I know he’s trying. He messages me throughout the day to make sure work is going well, and that I’m okay. Once I told him I forgot my lunch, and he came to my office and brought me lunch. All he could do is drop it off, kiss me on the cheek and leave as he had a important client meeting to get to, but the fact that he did that, and we work at least 30–40 mins away from each other…well let’s just say my female work colleagues were asking if he had a brother. The other day I came home from doing the food shopping and I saw Roy in his father’s bedroom, sitting on a chair next to his bed as he slept, and tears were streaming down his face. He didn’t sniffle, he didn’t wipe them away, he just let them fall. He didn’t see me, and I didn’t go in. It seemed private.
This all makes what I’m going to say next probably the most despicable, ungrateful and wicked thing, but it’s also the truth, my truth. I love Roy, but I love another man too. And this man, he sets my heart alight, as if someone threw a pack of fireworks into my chest and lit them all up at the same time. When I see this man I feel as though I am colourblind, like whether something is pink, green, red or blue doesn’t matter, never mattered, it’s all a delicious zing of atoms and molecules crashing and colliding in my head and I think I might just faint. With Roy I have stability, love, dependency…but with this man I have someone who sees the fire in me. Roy sees me, but not like this, not like I have more to offer the world and that there is no limit to who I could be or where I could go. This man finishes my thoughts before I’ve even spoken them, he anticipates my needs before I know I have them, he holds my hands like to let go would be to render the Earth apart, and he listens to my dreams as if every ridiculous idea I have could come to pass, if only I just believed. Roy has never been like that. He has always been a pragmatist. That is why he is killing himself in this role I have told him to leave several times. He has equated the expression of gratitude & love, with self-immolation and enduring debasement. When his father could still speak, he told Roy not to do this, that he didn’t need him to die for him, that Roy should prioritise his mind and his marriage, but Roy is loyal to a fault, and those words of caution fell on deaf ears.
And so while Roy has been martyring himself for a cause of his own making, another man has been colouring in the stencils of my imagination, massaging my creaking limbs of family duty, building castles of trust in my heart blocking out vaults of discontent & neglect, and turning my morning prayers into confessions bereft of the guilt they deserve.
That man, is Akil’s carer. Akil, is Roy’s father.
Originally posted: April 29, 2020